You’ve found your voice

Don’t be afraid of its sound

One day last week, filled with all this inspiration, I woke up first thing and wrote what felt like the first page of a much longer piece of work. I went on social media all week and said hard-for-me things and shared about body positivity, trans inclusion, and more.

And then I wondered, “Can I really say that, be that, do that?”

I felt myself closing up, talked to Stacy, and they said,
“You’ve found your voice. Don’t be afraid of its sound.”

Woah. That hit me.

But which voice?

  • The renegade grad student who used theory like shifting clouds?
  • The fierce femme who wrote sex poetry and read it in dimly lit coffee shops?
  • The mystic who sees fairies dancing in flowers and wants the whole world to know, feel and touch their beauty?

The part that has hard-for-me things to say still wonders what the sound of my voice sounds like, yet I do recognize it when I hear it.

I know it when I’m saying something real. I hear it when I’m calm, confident, funny, open-hearted yet strong, and not afraid to be messy & smart at the same time.

Perhaps you have wondered what your voice sounds like, too?

  • Have you ever felt like you have to be one way all the time?
  • Have you felt the walls closing in on you as that one way takes over until you have nothing of significance left to say, be, or do?
  • Have you ever just closed your voice to barely a whisper so you don’t rock the boat?

I mean, it’s rocky out there. I get it.
Sometimes, we want smooth sailing. I know I have.

Yet even as I’ve sought the safety of saying what I think is pleasing, my old mentor’s voice booms in my head: “Say everything you’re afraid to say,” she said. “There is freedom on the other side.”

And then I hear the sound of my friend’s voice who encourages me, “I want you to be able to say what you want without worrying about how it will affect your livelihood.”

And they are right.

So is Stacy. My partner, whom I’m marrying next month, after almost 14 years together, knows me really well. They know what I sound like when I’m scared of my own voice and how I sound when I’m using it.

I choose to use it. I trust that all will be well. I trust myself.

The freedom, on the other side, is real, uncontainable and the absolute best way I’ve ever found to sleep really well at night.