Dear You, who are searching and yearning to become more present in your life and in yourself.
To describe who I am becoming, I need to begin with who I used to be. I used to think that I would grow up doing extraordinary feats within some sort of science or business… whatever I could work hard with, earn a lot of money and acknowledgement. I was looking to an ideal of the empowered woman to be in control of my own life, money and body. I pushed myself hard, I glorified being busy, making good grades, saying yes and to do more that what was expected of me. But I was always dual – I was introvert, I loved to be by myself and paint, observe nature and watch silly movies with my dad. When I got to the point where I had to choose my path to a profession, I chose my latter side, I chose art and yoga. I thought I was being mature, and that I was creating a flowing, loving life. But what hadn’t changed was my drive for always being better, doing more, achieving and being busy - I just channeled it into something “more spiritual”: painting, studying religion, giving massages and teaching yoga. And I was constantly searching for happiness, bliss and love.
To make a long story short, lots of hard work and shit happened within a period of 4 years, and I (almost) burned out, while working hard with my spiritual stuff, and my opened heart couldn’t take it. - What’s up with that “almost” in there? Well, my doctor said that if I hadn’t been so determined to stay with my head over water, I would have drowned. I was actually ready to just continue on, as if nothing had happened. Life is tough, you get up, get yourself together, you move on… It’s the way of my people.
I took pride in my physical and mental strength, although I was constantly ill with some sort of bronchitis over a period of 1.5 year, losing my voice several times, coming down with some serious food intolerances, falling off my bike and injuring my right side, growing out all my wisdom teeth at once, etc. And then, when I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t give massages, couldn’t do the fancy yoga poses, couldn’t do day and late night computer work, couldn’t even demonstrate the less fancy yoga poses, couldn’t paint, constantly had stomach aches and loooong toilet sessions, acne outbreaks and gained 22 lbs in no time, couldn’t breathe without pain, I had an anxiety attack and a vision.
The vision was so simple, yet so real: at the family cabin, with two fair-haired children running around, bursting with joy, bliss and presence. My analytical mind interpreted this several ways: (1) This is just a flash of mixed memories, because mixed up mind stuff (2) I want kids, family is more important than any career I can think of. (note: I don’t have any kids, and up until this point, I was unsure if I wanted any or not), (3) My inner, wild child came out to remind me what’s what: you can go on with your searching, striving, working, or you can just be, you can surrender, and you are still good enough. (4) Would you hold the whip like you do to yourself now to someone you love, like your future kids, or even, your child you? Do you deserve that?
How would it be if you started loving and taking care of yourself?